The Great Psychological Escape
by TWbasketcase
Summary: Group therapy, couples counseling, and one and one sessions. Meet the psychopaths of the breakfast club presented by the one and only Richard Hashimoto!
1. Strength and Speed Like a Race Horse

**Title**: The Great Psychological Escape  
**Author**: TWBasketcase  
**Rated**: T for language and random other events.  
**Disclaimer**: I am a piss poor piece of shit who owns no one seen here.  
**Summary**: Group therapy, couples counseling, and one and one sessions. Meet the psychopaths of the breakfast club presented by the one and only Richard Hashimoto!  
**Warning**: This story may contain language and dark humor. I will more than likely offend you. So if you are sensitive, I suggest that you stop reading right here.  
**A/N**: Hello guys! Remember me? Well I am back with another crazy humor fic. If you enjoyed 'Running with the Devil', you will probably like this too. I am writing way too much angst right now – going through writer's blocks – so, my muse has given birth to this. I apologize in advance.  
**A/N 2**: This probably won't have very long chapters, and the characters and their situations will be poked fun at and exaggerated. Don't bother reviewing to tell me that it is unrealistic or stupid. I already know that and I don't need you to tell me. I am writing this for my own retarded pleasure. So without further ado, here is chapter one and please enjoy!

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**Chapter One – Strength and Speed like a Race Horse**

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Richard Hashimoto stood in front of his certified plaque with a proud grin. It had been exactly fifteen years since he had graduated from his psychology and sociology program. He had worked very hard for four long, excruciating years to get this far. He was now the head guidance councilor at Shermer High School! What other man in the entire city could say that he had accomplished the same accomplishment?

He wanted to go that extra mile; he felt so great that he was now the man in charge of his department and he wanted to show his superiors that they had made the right choice. He had a list of names that he knew could use his help! He just knew that if he put in the extra effort, the group of kids would be thanking him for the rest of their lives.

He looked at his reflection in the tinted glass of the plaque; he wouldn't call himself a great looking guy. Wrinkles and other creases were clearly visible in his cheeks in forehead; he had very bushy eyebrows, great big coke bottle glasses, a grey/brown toupee, and a crooked smile. Of course his scrawny body and short legs didn't help much in the looks department either, but it got him by. He just knew that Doris, his secretary, liked him. He just knew it!

He walked over to his desk and sat in his great big forest green leather recliner. The back stood almost an entire foot over the top of his head, while his large mahogany oak desk stood up to the middle of his chest. He didn't look like a very big man when he sat down. He frowned and patted down his 'hair'.

"Mr. Hashimoto?" A low, nasally voice erupted from the gold desk speaker on his desk.

He grinned happily. "Doris! How are you today my special flower?"

He heard a choking noise on the other end. "Um…what?" He rolled his eyes playfully. Now Doris was just playing hard to get.

"You heard me, Poopsie! What is it that you would like?" He asked in his most charming and pleasant voice. He knew it wasn't much considering he had a bit of a problem with his voice not crackling.

"You have one of your brats here…he says he assaulted another boy's ass." Hashimoto blushed at her words.

"Now, now Doris! There is no need for the sexuality over the speaker. If you would like to speak in my office with me that would be just super!" He adjusted the bow tie of his suit and grinned.

"I think I'll just send the kid in, sir." Her sweet and stuck up voice cackled over the intercom and buzzed out. Richard smiled at the thought of Doris and waited for the door to open up.

A few seconds later the door was pushed open swiftly and an uneasy looking blonde haired boy stepped into his office. He had his finger on his chin as he viewed the old fashioned décor of the room. When his eyes settled on Richard he frowned. "Are you Mr. Hashimoto?"

Richard smiled brightly. "Sure! And your name is Mandy Cark?"

The boy's noise scrunched up. "Andrew Clark." He corrected.

"Super!" Richard flipped open a manila folder and scribbled down the boys name. He had his special Shermer High Wolves clicky pen. "So what is it that brings you down to my office, Andrew?"

The boy's face scrunched up again and he stared at Richard with great confusion. "Um, you requested that I come down here and speak to you. My teacher…"

"Oh nonsense!" Richard waved his hands in the air playfully. "Don't you worry about that. Now, what I would like to talk about is your feelings, Andrew. Would that be okay?"

Andrew slowly took a seat in front of Richard in a small wooden chair. He seemed uncomfortable. "Um, I guess so…"

"Okay, well feelings are a natural sensation that the body feels when the brain is stimulated by certain actions or thoughts. It is perfectly normal for people to feel different feelings. Wouldn't you agree?" Richard scribbled on the folder.

"Well, I guess it all depends on what it is they are feeling. Violent feelings aren't normal I guess…" Andy pushed his fingers through his short blonde hair and let out a deep breath.

Hashimoto cheered silently. "Right you are Andrew! Which is exactly why I brought you down here today! I want to know exactly what happened to Larry Lester!"

Andrew's frown deepened and his cheeks turned a little red. "Well…uh…what do you want to know?"

Hashimoto folded his hands together and smiled warmly. "What did you do to his bum, Andrew?"

Andy's eyes widened in shock and he swallowed. "Well he was getting changed next to me. For some reason he was naked – which is VERY weird now that I think about it; we hadn't even started gym yet, so I have NO idea why THAT happened."

Richard scrawled a few lines in Andrew's file. "And how did this nakedness make you feel? Were you embarrassed? Were you jealous? Upset?"

Andrew's face looked horrified! "God no! It was nothing like that! I just hated how he acted so unfazed and uncaring about gym class and whether or not he succeeded! The fact that he was naked had nothing to do with it!"

Richard tsk'ed him. "Andrew, Andrew I know that this is hard to admit! At your age feelings and arousals can be a very confusing time for you! It is totally natural!"

Andy shook his head – hard. "Listen Mr. Hashimoto! My father is always breathing down my neck about being a winner and pushing me to my limits. Larry didn't care about that dog crap. He just goofed off, failed, and laughed about it! He is a scrawny little weakling who deserved it!" Andrew seethed at Richard's casual face.

"Andrew, you hurt his bum. Larry may have deserved a talking to, or even a slap in the face. But you did not have any right to give his derrière the Brazilian treatment! What we need to figure out is not where your anger stemmed from, but why you did what you did."

"But my dad…" Andrew began to complain angrily.

Richard shook his head. "No Andrew. Your father may be the source of your anger, but we need to figure out where the feelings deep within you brought out a sadomasochist."

Andrew's eyes widened. "Is that what I am? I never thought I was a pervert…"

Richard nodded his head solemnly and referred back to his grade twelve psychology course. What? He is a guidance councilor, not a psychiatrist! "Yes, I believe so Andrew. You take the emotional beating with grace every day from your father, and in turn take those feelings and release them in a satisfying way!"

Andrew sighed in defeat. "Oh no…"

Richard nodded. "Oh yes, Andrew. I believe we figured out the source of your problem. It makes a great deal of sense. Larry's creamy, hairy body was there for the taking and you pounced on the opportunity. In your mind you thought he needed to be punished for you."

Andy bit his lip. "This whole time I just thought I was mad at my dad…and extremely disturbed by the fact that he was casually naked for no apparent reason. I guess I was wrong…and that I really am messed up!" He covered his face with his hands.

Richard smiled graciously. "Its okay, son. The average person is a little messed up some form or another."

Andy nodded and looked back up at him. "Well, how are you messed up, sir?"

Richard waved his hand dismissively and smiled at him. "Andy, I'm not the average person. I am not messed up. Just you and everyone you know."

Andy groaned and slumped in his chair. "Well while we're here…I have something else I need to talk about. I am worried about my behavior."

"Go on." He leaned back in his chair and stared at the blonde haired boy intensely. He was glad that he was doing some real counseling now. His superiors would be so proud!

"Well, a few Saturdays ago I tried drugs for the first time. I know that you think that I may be a real juvenile now, but…" Andy sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "I just flipped out. I danced around and jumped…I hit my chest like a gorilla! I think I may have some inner issues that I need…"

Richard scribbled madly in Andrew's file; it was all coming together now. "Okay Andrew, and how did you feel under the influence of drugs?"

"Well I got so excited that I broke the door – with my voice. There was so much smoke and I didn't even notice that the others were watching…things just got a bit out of hand."

Richard drew a small diagram, a stick person, and then a math equation. "Well Andrew, I think that I have drawn up a proper diagnosis for you." He tilted up the paper and Andrew stared at it quizzically. It was obvious to Richard that the boy needed some explanation.

"Well Andrew, the diagram here represents a box. You are trapped inside the box. The stick person here," He pointed to the said drawing and gave him a serious face. "…it represents all those that are trapped outside the box. Including these 'others' that you speak of, Larry, and your father. You hate them all for being out there. You want to hurt them and make them feel your pain." He sat up closer and showed him the equation. "This is the probability of me being right. 1:1. It all makes sense now, Andrew."

Andrew looked completely baffled at Hashimoto's revelations. "So what is your diagnosis, sir?"

Richard gave him a grave look and closed the folder in front of him. "I think you may be classified as a sadomasochistic, schizophrenic delinquent. There may also be some homosexuality hidden beneath it all. Most boys would never touch another boy's bottom."

Andrew cocked an eyebrow. "Where did the schizophrenia come from?"

Richard regarded him as if it were obvious. "Your voice told you to break the door? Andrew, I know that it may be hard to believe, but you broke the door on your own. The voices are not to blame."

"But it was MY voice…" Andrew tried to interrupt.

Richard shook his head and raised a hand to stop him. "Andy, I know this is hard to take this all in, but we can find ways to help you. I recommend that you come and see me at least three times a week during your study break."

Andy nodded somberly and stood from his seat. "I don't know what to say to you, sir."

Richard patted the stronger boy on the shoulder. "You will in due time, son. For now, we work on progress. Things will look up from here on out." He reached in his drawer and pulled out a large pin button. It had a picture on the front of a grinning sun shining in the sky. Beneath it, it read 'Don't Worry, Be Happy!" He held it out to Andrew who seemed rather confused by it. "If you wear this on your shirt, it will serve as a reminder to keep all of those abnormal feelings inside of you!"

Andy frowned and blinked. "I don't think I should be caught dead wearing something like…"

"Andrew, don't you remember your condition? You NEED to keep yourself in check, please." Richard leaned over and pinned it to Andy's shirt and began to shoo him out the door. "Get going now, please. You will be late for lunch."

Andy left without saying a word, and frowned his whole way out the door. Richard smiled to himself and returned to his desk. He felt extremely pleased with himself that he was able to put his skills to use and help out a struggling youth.

It was days like these that his oh so important job really did pay off.

_**TBC**_

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**A/N**: I'm screwed up, I know. I hope there are people out there that share my twisted sense of humor. If so, please review and tell me what you think! There is plenty more to come where that came from! (Scarily enough…) 


	2. A Parent's Wet Dream

**Title**: The Great Psychological Escape  
**Author**: TWBasketcase  
**Rated**: T for, well if you read the first chapter I am sure you get the point.  
**Chapter Summary**: Well its now time for everyone's favorite geek to be analyzed.  
**A/N**: This is way too much fun. I am glad that you agree and are back to read more :)  
**A/N 2**: If you want a basic idea of how I imagine Richard Hashimoto to look like, picture Dean Ulich in 'Revenge of the Nerds'.  
http// www. luminomagazine. com/ mw/ content/ view/ 350/ 4 – Great picture! Just take out all of the spaces!

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**Chapter 2 – A Parent's Wet Dream**

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Mr. Hashimoto twirled around and around and around in his great big chair. He was waiting for his next student to come in, and in the mean time, he was playing a game! He held an opened package of cue cards out in his flattened hand, and then began to spin in his chair once more. The cards went flying out like a tornado, and he whooped and cheered for the fun mess. What? Carl got paid by the hour, and would not mind staying a bit afterwards to clean his office! 

He quickly stopped spinning as the buzzing of his desk speaker sounded. His glasses sat crookedly on his face and his bow tie was now sideways. He smoothed down his hair, and fixed himself up. "Yes?"

Doris' nasally voice once more sounded throughout the room. "You have another visitor, Richie."

Richard's grin widened. "Oh Doris! I knew that you would come around with a pet name. You really are a sweet woman when you are in a sensitive mood!"

"No pet names!" She bellowed through the gold speaker. But Richard could only tsk her.

"Not even poopsie?" He asked pouting out his bottom lip.

"No!"

"How about my little cuddlebumps?" He stuck his lip out further.

"I hate that one." She sounded annoyed.

"Not even tootsie bum?" He put his index finger on his outstretched lip.

"Not even anything!" She yelled exasperatedly.

"Okay, okay no more," He surrendered. "Well…what if I called you my special little olive?" He added widened-eyes-with-raised-eyebrows to his super-outstretched-lip-with-index-finger-on-top.

"Olives? I hate olives!" Doris shrieked. He could tell she was getting emotional again.

He threw his other arm up in the air – this was him striking a pose to go along with his super odd facial expression. "Okay, I got crumb! It suits you so well!" However, this time he got no response. The student he had been waiting for entered the room. Hashimoto instantly composed himself and smiled.

"Hi there, little fella! What's your name?" He put his hands on his lap as if he were talking to a puppy.

"Brian…Brian Johnson." The boy answered looking rather sheepish. Right away Richard could tell he was dealing with a soft-spoken and sensitive nerd. He had a feathered comb over, and wore his t-shirt tucked into his pants. He was just like Richard when he was in high school! Except he had a really cool pair of Felix the Cat suspenders. Oh how he had loved Felix.

"Well that is just a super name!" he exclaimed joyfully, trying his hardest to make the boy a little more comfortable. He reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a manila folder and neatly scrawled 'Brian Johnson' on the top. He flung it open and threw some paper in it. "Well, let's get started, shall we?"

Brian only nodded and sat down at the wooden chair that was situated in front of Richard's great big oak desk. He placed his backpack next to the chair and folded his hands neatly in his lap. "Listen, you know…uh…I'm not too, uh, sure why I am here…"

Richard's eyes went a bit shifty and he dove into his upper left hand drawer for his notes. "One moment please, your service will return momentarily!" He laughed, trying to sound funny. Brian's eyes only widened as he watched the lunatic in front of him.

He found a small cue card (one that he hadn't thrown) that had his list of names on it. He looked for Brian's and found the words 'elephant' 'gun' 'locker' and 'peewee' written next to it. Hashimoto had to shake his head at Mr. Vernon's choice of words.

"Okay Brian, let's talk about the elephant first." He grabbed his super cool Shermer High Wolves Clicky Pen and got into his writing position. "What is it about the elephants that bother you?"

Brian looked completely confused for a moment there before his stopped blinking and spoke. "Well…all I _needed_ to do was just pull on the trunk…"

"Brian!" Mr. Hashimoto shrieked, completely interrupting him. "You never do that to an elephant! That is their most sensitive place! How would you like it if someone pulled on your most sensitive area?"

Brian's face burned a bright red and he seemed to choke on his words. "I'm not too sure what you, uh, mean by that…"

Richard shook his head disappointedly and scribbled into Brian's file. "Brian this is no joke here! Elephants do not like to be pulled on, tugged, jerked, or tampered with! They are innocent animals who do not deserve that type of treatment! Could you tolerate people who would do that to you? Would you like getting jerked Brian?"

This time Brian's eyes widened to the size of saucers and his head turned a scary shade of purple. "Well, uh, sir, um…I guess that depends…"

"Okay, that is enough…I think we need to talk about the proper treatment of animals here. Is that why you had a gun, Brian? Was it to hurt the elephant?"

Brian swallowed hard. "Well the elephant was destroyed, sir."

Richard couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Okay, so not only did you jerk the elephant's sensitive place, but you destroyed him? You were jerking a dead elephant???"

Brian's eyes widened. "No! I mean, no, sir! I brought the gun to school and put it in my locker! I was waiting until study break to take it out!"

Richard looked down at his file. So far it had read, "Nervous jittery boy with a phobia of elephants; enjoys jerking while dead. Has a tendency to be homicidal with use of a gun." He looked back up at the boy and wondered if this was how John Gacy was when he was a boy. He had to admit, he was a little afraid of the student in front of him.

"What did you do with the gun next Brian?" Brian smoothed down his hair and clenched the arms of the chair so hard that his knuckles were turning white.

"Well, sir, I was very angry at my teacher, Mr. Ryan, he failed me in shop. He didn't like the elephant either."

Richard nodded slowly. "So you wanted to extract your revenge on Mr. Ryan for dismissing your dear elephant? I think this might be a territory problem, Mr. Johnson." He began scribbling on the paper again and didn't look up at the student.

Brian was at a loss for words. "You really think so? I was just worried about my grades…I didn't think it was the result of an anger problem that I had." He frowned and bowed his head in shame.

"Brian, I have seen cases like this all too often. A lot of people don't know exactly where their anger stems from. The last boy that was in here had the opposite problem. We discovered that he was a pervert."

Brian's eyes widened at that news and he swallowed. "Does he go here?"

Hashimoto nodded somberly. "Yes he does. As you can see, you aren't the only one in the school with problems, son." He leaned back in his great big chair and folded his hands over his stomach. "By the sounds of things, Brian, you are a lot more self assured than you believe. You have this façade that you have a low self esteem, but I think – I know – different. You have an inner lion inside of you."

Brian blinked at him. "So that may explain my hate for elephants."

"Yes, Brian." Hashimoto assured. "You want to have a control and domination over things and people who are bigger than you. That was why you jerked the elephant. That was why Mr. Ryan almost received your revenge."

Brian bit his lip. "I didn't want to hurt Mr. Ryan, sir. I just wanted him – and everyone – to know that the grade meant a lot to me. I didn't want to hurt him; I just wanted to show him."

Richard bit his lip. "I know, son, a lot of serial killers say the same thing during testimony."

Brian's eyes moistened and Richard smiled; he was really getting through to him! The boy wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "So what can I do to help myself? I don't want to be some kinda monster! I really am a good person!"

Richard gave him a nonchalant look. "Yeah, sure you are. Listen, most people would have to go through extensive rehabilitation processes and jail terms to cure – and even punish people – for this type of erratic behavior."

"No!" Brian squeaked and got down on his knees, and folded his hands as if in a prayer. "I'll do anything! Don't send me there! I wouldn't last! They would eat me alive! They would make me impure! I would be a bitch!" His voice cracked heavily at the last part of his sentence.

Richard held up his hand. "Don't worry son, I wouldn't do that to a kid like you. You know, I was just like you once – of course I wasn't messed up – but, generally speaking, I was like you. I wouldn't want you getting tainted."

Brian smiled gratefully and sat up in his chair, dusting off his knees simultaneously. "Thank you, sir."

"Brian, I think that your problem is treatable. You are just at a confusing time in your life, and you are tired of all the pressure and teasing. You want to be a whole, mature, responsible adult some day, and for that I believe you are fixable."

"So what exactly is my problem?" Brian looked at the man with curious eyes.

"Homicidal bestiality." Richard held up his hands when Brian looked as though he were going to protest. "Son, I know that this is hard to accept, but all of your recent behavior points at this conclusion. It's like a science experiment; you gather all of your information and observations, then there is the outcome."

"Oh god! I am a freak!" He put his head in his hands and sulked. "I never thought in a million years that THAT was my problem! It just never made sense…"

"Until now," Hashimoto concluded for him. "It will be okay, Brian. Things will start to look up for you soon. I think the best thing for all parties involved would be for you to start keeping a daily journal of all your thoughts and feelings. Then you will report to me three times a week." Brian nodded somberly and Mr. Hashimoto stood from his seat. "I'll help you through this, Brian! Everything will turn out super!"

Brian stood from his feet and tried to hide his blush. "This is all so embarrassing!"

Richard nodded understandably. "I know that. You will come to terms with everything soon enough. In the meantime, just focus on your journal and keeping the violence contained, okay?"

He nodded his head and gathered his backpack from the floor. He was a few steps away from the door when Richard stopped him. "Oh, and Brian?"

He turned to face him with an uncomfortable gaze. "Yeah?"

"Do you have any pets at home?" he folded his arms over his chest and leaned back on his heels.

Brian nodded. "My dog, Buddy. Why?"

Richard let out a long breath. "Well, I suggest that you keep Buddy outside, or maybe in the garage until all of this blows over. What do you say?"

Brian bit his lip and nodded. "Yeah, I don't want to drag Buddy into this mess."

Richard nodded. "That's a good boy. I will see you on Friday."

"Yes, sir." With that, Brian turned around and walked out the door. A large smile played over Richard's face and he raced back to his large chair and spun around happily.

"Another child! This is so super! The boss' will be so proud!" He spun around on his chair once more and let out a cheer. "What a great way to turn a frown upside down!"

_**TBC**_

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**A/N**: GAH! That was messed. Anyhow, I do not own Felix the Cat or John Wayne Gacy. Thank god. Anyhow, if there are any of you out there that don't know what bestiality is, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT GOOGLE IT!! Just let me know and I will tell you; I know some of you don't have English as the first language. So just don't try to figure it out because you will probably see something you don't want to see. Ha! Anyhow, thanks for reading and please review! 


	3. You Use It To Get Respect

**Title**: The Great Psychological Escape  
**Author**: TWBasketcase  
**Rated**: T for language…and just messed up themes.  
**Chapter Summary**: Make way for Miss Queen Bee!  
**A/N**: More craziness! I'm baaaaaaack!! Haha! This one will take a look at Claire. I know you guys want Bender and Allison, trust me they will be here soon. For now though, please enjoy chapter three!

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**Chapter Three – You Use it to get Respect**

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Richard put his head in his hands and leaned over Doris' desk. The plump red headed lady was glaring, and trying to smack him away with her newspaper. Richard just loved it when she got so emotional! It really made him feel loved and her type of emotions were sure signs of arousal! He just knew it!

"My little buttercup, do you really see the need to abuse an innocent newspaper?" He fluttered his eyelashes at her and smiled.

She pushed her horn rimmed glasses up her nose and scrunched up her face. "Am I going to have to go to Dick about sexual harassment again?" She tried to shoo him off, her bright blue moo-moo dress fluttering around her fat ankles as she did so.

Richard's face burned red. "Doris! You don't have to talk about my genitals that way! You can come to me about anything! You should now that already, my petal!"

She shuddered. "Dick as in Vernon, Hash!" She slapped his hand. "I _will_ complain!"

Mr. Hashimoto placed his hands on his hips. "You would not invite Mr. Vernon into our little affair! How could you? I am for you and you are for me, Doris! Can't you see that we are true earth mates?! It's just super!"

Doris gave him an exasperated look. "Are you off your rocker, Richie? Earth mates? I thought the term was soul mates?"

A look of emotional astonishment passed over his features and he leapt over the desk to envelope her into a tight hug. "Soul mates! Yes, Doris! I will be your soul mate from now until forever! I knew that we were meant to be, I just knew it! You are so super!" He closed his eyes and swayed back and forth as he tried his damndest to get his arms all the way around her.

She pried him off and set him a few feet away from her. "Richie…I don't know how to get through to you!"

He smiled affectionately at her. "Of course you do!" He placed his hand over his heart and locked a passionate gaze on her. "You get through to me right here. _My pumper_. That's where it counts my cookie crumb."

She opened her mouth to protest once more to his insane pet name calling, but was cut off by a soft voice clearing her throat.

"Excuse me?" A pretty red headed girl stood at the entrance of the office with a back pack on her shoulders, and a small hand bag clutched in her hand. She looked a little off put, as though she had never been there before. Richard sure never saw her there before.

And she sure was pretty!

He looked at Doris. "She looks just like you! I bet you looked as super as her when you were in high school!"

Doris looked at him as though he were retarded. The girl looked horrified at the thought. Richard ignored them both. "So who are you, little one?"

The girl's eyebrow rose slightly at the short man. "Claire Standish. I was sent down here by my French teacher."

Richard beamed. "Well that's super, Claire! Why don't we just step foot into my office?" He looked back at Doris apologetically. "We'll have to continue this at lunch time, okay?"

Doris looked relieved. "Just get out of here!"

The red headed teenager followed Mr. Hashimoto into his office. He closed the door behind her and skipped merrily back to his big-old-fun-green-leather-chair. He sat in it hard enough to give it one nice whirl around and settled into his desk. He pulled out a fresh new manila folder and scrawled her name across it. "Are we ready to start today?"

She nodded and he twirled his special Shermer High Wolves clicky pen through his fingers. Oh how he loved clicky pens! "Great, so would you like to tell me why you are here today, Miss Standish?"

She looked confused. "Oh…I was called down. I never made any appointment, sir."

He bit his lip and giggled nervously. "Right. One moment please!" He spun hard to his left and dug through his drawer until he found his trusty-cue-card-from-Vernon. He smiled when he saw her name. The words beside it read "skip", "shopping", "rich", and "bitch". He bit his lip at the curse word and looked up at her politely.

"It looks as though you got yourself into some trouble, Miss Standish. Truancy? Do you want to talk about it?"

She shrugged slightly. "I guess so. I don't really see anything wrong with it. I was just having a bad day, really." She had her hand bag set on her lap and her legs crossed at her ankles. This one looked as innocent as pie, but with his 'hardcore' background in psychology, he knew better then to judge them that easily.

"Claire, skipping school is a horrible thing! That was why you got put into detention." He scribbled a heart on her file. "Do you want to tell me about detention and how you dealt with it?" He folded his hands on his desk and cocked his head to the side.

She shrugged. "It was the only one that I've ever had. It was pretty…well, special actually. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me."

He shook his head. "So you like punishment, Claire?" He was a bit confused; most students hated wasting their days away at school when they didn't need to be there.

She shrugged once more. "I met my boyfriend there. We hit it off very well."

Hashimoto bit his lip; he knew all about women who met their husbands by writing them letters to their prison cells. They were usually desperate, depressed whores. "How did you and your boyfriend start dating Claire?"

She blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Did you know him from before? Or was that the first time you ever met him?"

She shifted in her seat. "It was the first time. He was kind of mean at first, he called me a prude, a tease, and he stuck his head up my skirt, but…"

"You enjoyed the attention so much that you accepted him in a fit of hormonal emotion?" He scribbled down a paragraph in her file and shook his head sadly. "I've seen this sort of thing happen before."

A concerned look passed over her features. "You have?"

He nodded somberly. "Yes Claire. In patients that have been diagnosed as Erotomanic delusional disorder."

Claire looked horrified at the sound of that. "What does that mean? Am I a freak? What is it?"

He bit his lip. "It's a form of psychosis, or a psychotic disorder. You are delusional Claire, and maybe a bit obsessive compulsive."

She swallowed. "How?"

"You believe that these bad people from detention who have sexually molested you are good people who are in love with you. You want everything to be so perfect for you that you act out in fits to make sure it happens your way. This is very serious!"

"Oh my god!" Claire paled considerably. "I only skipped school because I needed an escape…"

"No!" Hashimoto yelled with a cracking voice. He was on a roll! He was almost at a breakthrough! He pounded his fist on his desk for emphasis and it made the poor girl jump. "You left school as a premeditated arrangement! You knew what you wanted and you were going to do everything in your delusioned mind to make it happen!"

"You think so?" She asked quietly. She looked as though she were going to cry.

"I know so! Claire, every single piece of evidence points at me being completely right and you being totally psychotic! You should listen to me, I should know!" He drew a stick woman and then drew a bunch of vertical lines through her. "You see this diagram?" He held it up high for her to see.

She nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Bad girls like you end up in jail! Not only are you obsessive compulsive and erotically delusional, you will soon start to see some symptoms of split personalities! I have seen evidence of it already!"

Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped. "When?"

He put the folder back down and grinned crazily. "When your alter ego subconsciously decided for you to skip school so that you could manipulate crazy criminals in fits of sexual anger and seduction…" he took a deep breath. "…Into respecting you! You honestly believe that this false love and adoration is a means to get respect, and deep down you think its more! You believe its more!"

Claire looked horrified. "They thought I screwed to get respect!"

"And you do!" Hashimoto accused.

"But I am a virgin!"

"That's your alter ego screaming at you, you whore!" He yelled and pointed a finger at her. She gasped in shock. He took a deep breath and realized he flew off the handle. He straightened out his suit jacket and composed himself before continuing. "What I mean is you honestly want to believe – and think that others believe – that you are innocent and naïve. But you really are a psychotic, frisky freak!"

The girl began to tear up in spite of herself. "Oh my god! What will they all think of me?"

Hashimoto shook his head sadly. "No lower than they already do, young lady. I know that these new revelations could possibly bring on feelings of shame and sadness, but it is normal for girls your age! You want to fit in…but your mind brought it too far Claire. You are way too obsessive about your reputation."

Claire wiped her tears away. "Oh what should I do? I can't let anyone find out! This would be the end of me for sure! Mother would never accept it! I would be exiled!" Claire sighed overdramatically and clenched her fists.

Richard backed off a bit. "Young lady, what you have to work on is that if you keep throwing yourself at people and letting them molest you and other things…you'll only get worse! Every sure mental disorder you have has the possibility to grow into something bigger and even worse!"

"Like the blob, on that movie?" Claire asked, sniffling.

He nodded. "Yes Claire. You're like an ever growing psychopath. There are normal people – like me – who are willing to help! We can get a super duper schedule worked out, and I can help you with everything you need!"

"You would do that for a freak like me? Someone who doesn't even know who they are anymore?"

"Of course!" He waved her off. "I already am dealing with a schizophrenic sadomasochistic homosexual and a homicidal maniac who's into bestiality and necrophilia! You aren't any better than they are!"

Her eyes widened and she began to cry again. "I am the same as them?"

Hashimoto smiled and clicked his clicky pen like ten times. "Of course you are! They are messed up! You are on my list of dangerous students! You are all a threat to yourselves and each other! Of course you are no better!"

She couldn't even manage a word out of her pouty lips. They just wobbled in fear and sadness.

He reached over and touched her hand comfortingly. "That's why I am here, young lady. I am the good doctor who's not really a doctor! I was born ready to tackle these sorts of problems head on, Claire! You are in good hands!"

She nodded her head and her bottom lip wobbled again.

He stood from his great-big-fun-green-leather-twirly-chair and walked around his desk so that he was standing in front of her. "Everything is going to be okay, Claire. Just come back and see me three times a week. I have one assignment for you the next time you have a scheduled appointment, is that okay?"

She nodded her head. "Anything you want, sir."

He smiled. "Okay! I want you to bring the person that you believe respects and loves you. We will destroy his image, credibility, and any other connection you have to him. We'll do an in depth not-really-couple counsel. We'll fix your problem once and for all, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay, sir, I'll do that."

"That's a good girl. Oh, and on your way out, will you give this to Doris please?" He handed her a lined piece of paper that had a crudely drawn heart in the middle. The heart had arms and legs and was waving at her. It was walking a puppy and it said 'I luv u' on it. Claire's lip wobbled once more and she walked out of the room sobbing.

Hashimoto sat back down in his seat and grinned. Another slam dunk! He only needed one more and he was going for the home run!

What a super feeling it was indeed!

_**TBC**_

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**A/N**: All mental diseases listed in this chapter are real diseases but were depicted completely wrong and were very exaggerated. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I'm sorry if you thought it was lame. Please review. I should have the next chapter up soon! 


	4. The Eyes and Ears of the Institution

**Title**: The Great Psychological Escape  
**Author**: TWBasketcase  
**Rated**: T for mumbo jumbo  
**Chapter Summary**: After school is out, Carl stumbles into Richard's office for his regular cleaning duties. While inside, he gets a bit of a surprise.  
**A/N**: I know I am evil! I know you guys have been waiting for Bender and Allison, but I want to include Dick and Carl in here too. Things are going to get increasingly harder for Richard as time goes along, so it only makes sense to save the heavies for later. This one is a bit short, but I hope that you enjoy anyways!

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**Chapter 4 – The Eyes and Ears of the Institution**

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Richard sat huddled over his desk and reviewed his notes. Things were not looking good for Shermer High school's student population! His last three patients were a solid example of this theory, and Richard was a bit concerned. 

Andrew Clark was worrisome. The boy had some real punishment issues that frightened Hash. He beat a young boy into submission by holding his ass hostage because his father was angry with him. A _naked_ boy nonetheless. Andrew clearly had a sadistic side to him that enjoyed the thought and concept of physical punishment. He knew that boys like him grew up to be addicted to dominatrix services. In Andrew's case, there was a clear underlying homosexuality that ran rampant that perhaps suggested that said dominatrix would or could be male. He wasn't sure if there was a particular name for male ones, and he wasn't in too much of a rush to find out. They were icky, dirty people.

Brian Johnson was even worse. The boy had clear homicidal tendencies running rampant through his being. Not only did he perform manual stimulation on a defenseless elephant, but he killed it and tried to kill his teachers too. Boys like Brian were only good for one thing in this life and that was the Navy SEALS. Unfortunately for Brian, Richard noted, was that he was way too scrawny and jumpy to ever succeed in that field. He had the right attitude, just not the physical requirements. Brian was not only a danger to himself, but also to the other children of the school…and his poor dog, Buddy. Richard was hoping that by getting Brian to write his journal and see his anger for himself, Brian could find the source of his problem and the two of them could work on it together.

And then there was Miss Standish. At first glimpse Richard thought she was just a beautiful and innocent girl who must have made a mistake to end up where she was. At second glance though, Claire proved to be a seriously disturbed girl. She wasn't as much of a threat to other people as much as she was to herself. She was completely delusional and in a very erotic kind of way. Richard was worried that she would somehow trick herself into believing more dangerous things than that of an obvious criminal being in love with her. Claire was someone he needed to make sure didn't make a fool out of herself. A girl like her wouldn't be able to handle anything ruining her reputation.

Richard sighed and sat back in his chair. It had been a very long, but very successful day if he did say so himself. His new plan of taking that extra step had really paid off and possibly even saved some lives! His patients were obviously oblivious and ignorant of their conditions and their symptoms. He was just glad that he got to them in time before something disastrous could have occurred.

His office door crept open silently and the sound of a cart banging around could be heard. Richard lifted his head and grinned at the younger gentleman in front of him. "Well hello there Carl! Has your day just been super so far?"

Carl didn't appear to be listening. He only stood at the entrance of Hash's office with his hands on his hips. He gave Richard an angry frown. "What the hell were you doing in here?"

Richard scratched his head. "Carl, there is no need to be bitter. I was only relieving stress! It's a very healthy thing to do you know."

"Oh really?" Carl retorted, his voice dripping wet with sarcasm. He kicked at a pile of cue cards and folded his arms. "Were you twirling around on your chair again?"

Richard narrowed his eyes at the straight forward question. "How would you even know anything about that, silly? Of course I wasn't doing such a ludicrous thing!"

Carl snorted at that and pointed at his head. "I know everything that goes on around this joint, Hash. You can't fool me. I know exactly what you were doing! You were twirling around and setting your cue cards free. As a matter of fact, I can bet money that you were giggling the whole time you were doing it too. _The tornado game_?" Carl accused him with a smug grin spread across his features.

Richard's face fell. There was no way that Carl was pointing to his head and saying that he knew everything! Carl was not the professional! Carl was a janitor! He would not let the smart alec custodian beat him at his own game! "Spying on people for black mail again, were you? I thought you knew that it got you into trouble, Carl!"

Carl's arms fell to his sides and he frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Let's have a chat, shall we?" Richard pointed to the wooden seat in front of his desk and gave Carl his best pouty face.

Carl gave him a slightly disturbed look, but took the seat anyways. "I get paid by the hour, what the hell."

Richard flashed a huge grin. "That's exactly what I said earlier!"

Carl glared at him and looked back at the mess on the floor. "How does that not surprise me…?"

Richard cleared his throat and pulled out a manila folder. He scrawled the name 'Carl Reed' on the top and quickly organized himself into psychologist mode. He adjusted his glasses and smiled. "I noticed that your picture is up in the front of the school."

Carl looked puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

"The trophy case of course!" Richard exclaimed enthusiastically. "Shermer High School Man of the Year 1969; that is a very prestigious award. Not only is the winner voted in by his peers, but by his faculty as well. Usually the nominees are decided by Ivy League scholarship winners."

Now Carl looked very suspicious. "What about it? Was it vandalized again? If it was I am so going into his locker again!" Carl looked as though he had murder in his eyes and a good idea of just who to look for.

Hashimoto waved him off. "It was not ruined, Carl. It just interests me is all."

He sat back down in his seat and his expression changed. "Why?"

"What school picked you up, Carl? For a scholarship, that is."

Carl blinked. "Brown."

Richard perked an impressed eyebrow. "And what did you major in?"

Carl frowned impatiently. "Philosophy."

Hashimoto smiled at him. "That doesn't surprise me." He scribbled a big question mark down on Carl's file and sniggered at it. "So what made you pursue a career as a custodian?"

Carl stood from his seat and grunted angrily, getting ready to get back to his work. Richard could tell he didn't want to talk; the first sign of denial. "Underlying anger usually turns into an explosion Carl." He clicked his clicky pen a few times and leaned back in his chair.

Carl glared at him. "I couldn't find a job in my field, you happy?"

Richard shook his head and watched as Carl turned towards the door. "No, I am not, silly! I think this is a classic of a self esteem issue. I would even go as far as saying borderline personality! We are having such a breakthrough!" In his excitement, he threw another pile of cue cards on the floor – much to Carl's chagrin.

"Borderline what!?" He screamed, instantly flying back to Richard's desk. Richard held his hands up over his head in defense, as Carl breathed down his neck.

"Borderline personality! Emotional dysregulation…you can't see anything else but black and white!" When Carl backed up and sat down in his seat, Richard dropped his hands and watched Carl suspiciously.

"That is absurd! I told you I was a philosopher! That means you _think_ of all different sorts of ways to look at things…"

"Yet you couldn't even find a job! You believed that there was no need and you weren't good enough so you settled for something as lowly as a janitor!" He waved his arms wildly for emphasis.

Carl crossed his arms and snorted. "That's absurd!"

Richard smiled crazily. "Your wife divorced you, and she took your kids!"

Carl glared. "That's enough!"

"Do you have a good relationship with them?" When Carl said nothing he continued, "You have unstable relationships and you spend all your time at a low end job with no one. You have no sense of self worth or social activity!"

Carl opened his mouth to speak, but could form no words. He finally stopped fighting and tried to listen to what Richard Hashimoto had to say. Richard smiled at him and drew a happy face beside the question mark.

"Do you see this picture? Hmm? Do you see it very well?" Richard placed a finger on his chin as he spoke. He smiled widely. "This is you! You are confused, hallucinating, and you don't even know who you are anymore! You are supposed to be a major philosopher yet you think you're a janitor!"

"Wait a second, Rich, I am NOT hallucinating…" Carl argued.

"Oh but you are!" Richard waved his index finger in the air for emphasis. "You have built this vision in your head that you are this great and almighty force…in a high school. You have no idea where you are really supposed to be! For all we know you could be thinking to yourself that you are a child molester, and that is why you are really here!"

Carl held up a hand. "Are you fucking serious? That can't be…"

Hashimoto nodded. "Oh yes, it can be! When you lose yourself that much you can end up doing just about anything and not really know why. It's a type of behavior that is quite common; being sexually promiscuous and destructive. I think there is more to you being in a school than you let on, Mr. Reed."

"You think I like kids? That I don't know the difference between left and right, and that I may be lost?" Carl looked exasperated.

"Precisely!" Hashimoto cheered. "Trust me; I am so on a roll! Four for four!" He grinned crazily and began to click his super-special-Shermer-High-Wolves-clicky-pen.

Carl looked stunned, and inwardly Richard was cheering. He had finally gotten through to the overly sarcastic custodian. Carl rubbed a hand over his balding head and sighed. "What else do you suppose is wrong with me?"

Richard sighed dramatically. "I think you're a peeping Tom."

Carl's eyes bulged out of his head. "What the fuck?"

Richard chuckled and grabbed his belly as he did so. "I do, Carl, I really do. And I am always right by the way!" He pumped a fist into the air and sat again. "I am under the understanding that you peek through things that don't belong to you? Am I right? Am I? Tell me because I want to hear it!"

Carl grunted. "Yeah I look through those punk asses' lockers. I take their notes too. Sometimes I find some good records or even some magazines…"

"What about pictures Carl? Do you ever find some pictures that you just can't resist taking?" Hashimoto was doodling again.

Carl gave Richard a macho grin. "Of course I do. I have found all sorts of different porno mags and pictures that female students have in their lockers. What kind of high school would it be if I didn't?" He shrugged his shoulders as if it were the most obvious thing in the whole world.

Oh no. Not to Mr. Hashimoto it wasn't.

"You take them, don't you?! You take those pictures and you keep them in a safe spot so that no one will ever know! I will bet that there are probably a lot of inappropriate things that you steal, Carl!"

Carl looked a bit sheepish. "Well sometimes, but…"

"I bet there are even personal clothing items that you find interesting…maybe like girl's panties?" Richard put on his accusing face. All he wanted was for his patient to admit his problems.

"Well I've seen them in the school before, but…" Carl was cut off again.

"Well I think that's all for today, Mr. Reed. I have certainly figured out what your deal is." Richard drew a swirly on the file and a picture of underwear. "You are definitely a hallucinating, borderline personality, panty sniffing, peeping Tom. There is no other explanation. I just can't be wrong. You can. Not me, only everyone else."

Carl paled a bit and then stood from his seat. He dusted his pants and put his work gloves back on. "Um…thanks?"

"Not a problem, Carl, anytime you want to talk…" He put his hand up in a phone-like gesture. "You just give me a call, okay?"

Carl spun on his heel and quickly walked out of the room. Richard smiled happily and spun on his super-fun-big-green-leather-chair-that-twirled.

Except Carl forgot to clean up his little mess.

Richard sighed and then pointed a finger up in the air. A large smile spread across his face. "Oh well, I guess it's time for a ten second clean up! One, two, three, go!" He ran from his chair and began to time himself out loud.

Everyone could use a good exercise anyways!

_**TBC**_

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**A/N**: Sorry if you hated that, but I love Carl. Once again any mental illness was exaggerated and should not be taken personally. This story is only for fun and twisted pleasure. Please review. 


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